Don Chavez

Normally I would save this sort of article for Father’s Day, but I figured that would just be a waste. Summer is just getting into full gear, and I know that the only people on the Internet are going to be the guys from Uncoached and Busted Coverage. So I decided that today I would put together a kick ass list of Father’s Day gifts as not only a guide but also a reminder.

10) Gift Certificate to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch – Even if your parents aren’t divorced chances are that someday they will be. When this day comes your Dad will thank you for pre-paid piece of ass you purchased for him. It’s the gift that keeps on giving until the 60 minutes is up.

9) A case of Cohiba Churchill Cigars – Just make it clear that these cigars are for smoking, not for imitating Bubba Clinton.

8 ) The Sky Caddie – Your Dad spends one day a week training for the PGA Seniors Tour, but in reality his goal is just to slug beers with John Daly. Neither one will probably happen, but at least this gadget will help him to break a hundred.

7) Omaha Steaks – If you’re finally making bank off of that education that Dad paid for, return the favor and spring for the “Monthly Smile Maker”. That’s 2 six oz. filets and 2 eleven oz. strip steaks sent to his door every month.

6) Playboy: The Complete Centerfolds (Hardcover) – 720 pages of “tastfully” photographed nude women. It even comes in a Playboy logo embossed leather briefcase so that Dad can sneak it into work!

5) Stadium pen or cuff links – The next time Dad goes to write a check to cover your eighth year of college he can do it in style with a pen made from his favorite stadium.

4) Webber Ranch Kettle – This isn’t just an ordinary charcoal grill, this is the ranch kettle grill. With this bad boy, Dad will no longer have to wait for the sausages to finish before he throws the burgers on. After seeing this your neighbor will be running to Sears to purchase a riding lawn mower out of jealousy.

3) The Clint Eastwood Collection – After watching this boxset, the old man will quickly regain the set of balls that your Mother worked so hard to remove over the past two decades

2) A bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue – Not red, green or black. Blue. Your old man has put up with your shit long enough to deserve such a fine bottle of booze. If you’re lucky he’ll ask you to grab a glass and have a seat.

1) A night alone with your Mom – That’s right I said it! You probably just puked in your mouth a little bit, but it’s true. Your parents used to have sex. Lots of it, and with you in the house! Come to think of it, they probably still frequent the doggy style position now that modern medicine has created Viagra. So if you’re a cheap bastard, still living at home and can’t afford a gift, hit up your Dad for $20 and take off for a few hours.