What better way to celebrate your twenty-first birthday than with two dozen of your classmates who are dying to fellate you? Oh, and with a cake that looks just like you in your Notre Dame uniform?

Maybe I’m wrong, but when you’re in contention for the Heisman Trophy, aren’t you supposed to celebrate your twenty-first birthday with three of South Bend’s finest hookers and an eight ball?

“Brady, Brady, can I snap you the ball?”