How To Be A Douchebag

It’s not easy to be a douchebag. You don’t just wake up one day and realize that you were born one unless you’re Brandon Davis. So if you’re part of the rank and file, you’re going to need to work hard at it. I’ve put together seven simple steps to douchebaggery for my readers, and I’m sure this list will expand to fifty steps in no time.

1- The Shirt (Polo $75)
In order to qualify as a douchebag, it is necessary that you pop your collar & wear the most annoying color possible.

2- Blowout Haircut (Julio’s Hometown Barbershop $15)
You can’t be a douchebag unless you have a trendy haircut. I suggest the blowout, but if you live outside of New Jersey you might want to opt for the mini-mohawk.

3- Sunglasses (Sunglass Hut, $220)
Your sunglasses must look like they have Women’s frames from a designer label such as Versace or Burberry. Also, you are required to wear them to the club at night and repeatedly say, “Do you know how much these fuckin’ cost me?”

4- The Car (1990 Mercedes, $1,000), (AMG Badges, $59.99)
You can’t roll douchebag style without an out of date luxury vehicle pimped out to look like it’s brand new. Nothing says douchebag like putting an AMG badge on your 1990 Benz.

5- Get Juiced (Roidstore, $100)
It’s not a requirement that you are obsessed with your body in order to qualify as a douchebag, but it certainly doesn’t hurt. In true doucheness, you should cheat to gain those muscles by going on the Jose Canseco training program. Have one of your fellow doucebaggers shoot you up through the glutes before your workouts. Oh, and don’t forget to pose in the mirror after every set!

6- Get Tan in December (Bodybuilding.com, $16.89)
Nobody is going to believe your Myspace profile when you say that you are from Miami, Las Vegas, and Wadsworth, Ohio unless you look like you actually spend time in these places. This means you need to be tan like that old lady in There’s Something About Mary.