I shit you not, this girl’s name is Jessica Simpson. Everyone knows that archive.org doesn’t lie, and this braud used to be a member of the Tennessee Wesleyan cheerleading squad.

From the look of it, she was also a fan of the “I like to blow Opie looking mother fuckers club” as well.

You and I know that Jessica is not a ten in any book. But let me break this post down for you in terms you can understand. You ever go to the bar one night, get absolutely trashed and end up grinding on some heavy hottie? Sure, at the time it seems okay, but in the back of your mind there’s that voice telling you that you’ll regret it. Somehow you manage to drown out that voice, you bring home that heavy hottie, and bump uglies with her. Thirty minutes and a bag of flour later, you’re wondering if you just banged a fat roll or her special spot. Then guilt knocks on the door and you start to wonder if you’re going to regret what just transpired.

In the morning you wake up next to a beached whale and she made the mistake of trying to squeeze into your favorite t-shirt. Now your favorite band is destined to break up and suddenly it hits you. That tiny voice in your head was wrong. You don’t regret it. You’re just like A-Rod and it’s all about stats.

So do you see where I’m going? This post isn’t about hotness. It’s about stats. So you can bitch about how this chick doesn’t compare to Tony Homo’s girlfriend, but I know you’ll still head over here to check out the 50 or so pictures of her having a pickle party with Opie.

NSFW pictures
TWC archive page

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