I just read that Carol Alt will be doing a spread for this December’s Playboy magazine. Really?
Can someone please buck this trend of washed up models/actresses/musicians who pose for Playboy in an attempt to revitalize a career that was put to rest over a decade ago. I’m looking in your direction Tiffany, Latoya Jackson, Daryl Hannah, and Debbie Gibson.
So in an effort to make Playboy a more enjoyable experience while you aren’t reading it for the articles, I’ve come up with a list of 15 chicks that should pose for Playboy in the near future. I’m talking about chicks that are hot, still relevant, and not over forty and looking for some a quick paycheck and some publicity for some shitty project that they are pushing.
So without further useless babbling, here is the list. Feel free to add to it in the comment section.
15 – Danica Patrick
I know she broke the whole gender boundary in racing, but I don’t think her fans would complain if you should them the goods. I know I wouldn’t. Hell, it might even get me to watch some racing highlights! Not really.
14 – Christina Aguilera
One more kid and I just don’t see these guns making an appearance for Hef. Sure she’s shown a butt cheek here and there in other magazines, but for some reason she’s shunned the white rabbit.
13 – Mandy Moore
She banks herself on her talent and “good girl” image, but would it hurt to be a bad girl just once?
12 – Olivia Munn
Everyone’s favorite G4 chick has all the makings of a sold out issue. If she’s willing to hump a Salmon for the camera, I don’t know why she wouldn’t gear down with the security blanket of a few Photoshop tools.
11 – Jennifer Garner
Ben Affleck would never let these pics hit the newsstands, but you never know when a quickee divorce could happen. Nothing would be a bigger FU than a Playboy pictorial. Okay, I know it’s not going to happen, but a guy can dream right?
10 – Elisha Cuthbert
I always flip flop on this chick. Sometimes she looks smoking hot, other times you wouldn’t give her a second glance.
9 – Michelle McCool
During college I had the opportunity to watch Michelle McCool dominate a bikini contest at FSU. Little did I know that I was watching a future WWE star shake her booty while being hosed down with water. If she follows the WWE Diva success handbook, this pictorial will happen.
8 – Julie Bowen
You remember her from the scene in Happy Gilmore dressed in lingerie and carrying two pitchers of beer. Would it be too much to ask for her to reenact the scene for a still camera sans lingerie? The clock is ticking and she probably has until I finish this article to get the pictures taken and still be relevant, but she is too hot to leave off the list.
7 – Evangeline Lilly
It’s not her age that is Lilly’s kryptonite in this situation, it’s the fact that Lost now sucks and the show will probably be off the air before she decides that Playboy would be worthwhile.
Fine, keep your lousy island. We’ll find someone else to get nekked.
6 – Brittany Daniel
Sure she’s shown her incredible body on the big screen, but would it kill you to see her on paper? At worst you might get a paper cut, but that’s not my problem.
5 – Stacy Keibler
She’s got legs and knows how to use them. Why she hasn’t used them for a Playboy pictorial I don’t know.
4 – Scarlet Johansson
If Ryan Reynolds can make this happen, I’ll gladly purchase five copies of every movie he’s been in. Shit, I’ll even watch them.
3 – Jessica Alba
Alba recently had her first child, and I heard that she looks like shit. I heard she has stretch marks, she’s fat, and her boobs are really saggy now. I double dog dare her to prove me wrong.
2 – Jessica Biel
She brings nothing to the table talent wise, so why fight it? Do what you were meant to do. Just stand in front of the camera and look hot. Arch that back a little bit too baby.
1 – Jessica Simpson
WTF, I should have called this the mission statement to every hot chick out there named Jessica! This has to be the ultimate sign that Hef has lost the golden touch. This is the braud who eats the chicken of the sea and wonders why it doesn’t have wings. How the hell can you not convince her to pose for Playboy?
Don’t even use Joe Simpson as an excuse. The guy would sell his daughter out for a McDonald’s commercial for his even less talented daughter, Ass-ley.
Honorable Mention: Britney Spears
Seriously get off the drugs, the back-up dancers, the paparazzi, and hit the treadmill for two months and you’re back. Sure you’ve shown us your who-who before, but there’s nothing sexy about that when you’re all coked out in Paris Hilton’s car.