Jaime Pressley is on the cover of the March issue Shape magazine, and inside there’s an article on how you can get her girlish figure. Well, what these magazines publish couldn’t be further from the truth. They sugar coat everything and sell you the dream of a sexy body, but I’m here to set the record straight.

Editor’s note: This post is geared towards women, but I figured that since most of my readers have fat wives/girlfriends, they’d probably want to forward this along to them.

So here it is. The real world guide to not being a fat ass and having the body of a hollywood starlet.

Hit the gym two hours a day, six days a week. A 45 minute workout session is laughable. Oh, and your warm up time doesn’t count. So when you step on the treadmill, the workout doesn’t officially start until about 15 minutes in, when you’ve got your heart rate up.

If you can taste it, spit it out. The only things that taste good in this world are fat and salt, and both will make you look Star Jones. Even after you lose weight, there’s only one way to keep it off. Anorexia or Bulimia. I don’t have a preference, but I’ve found that making out with Bulimics leaves an acidic after taste which can be kind of a turn off. Ya, so definitely go with Anorexia.

Get paid to look hot. This is the best way to get the weight off and keep it off. Do you think that these Hollywood types “find time” in their day to work out? Fuck no! They are paid to workout and look good. They don’t have to bother with pesky 9-5 jobs. That means their day consists of working out around midday (an hour or so after they wake up), then partying at night.

Speaking of partying, it’s a great way to kill that appetite. Cramming your system with drugs may cause irreversible damage to your body, and in some cases death. But if you want to fit in that size 0 dress by all means necessary, well here is your means.

Have sex with the lights on. There’s nothing more self depreciating that trying to look sexy while your fat wobbles everywhere. For the extra “oh shit I need to get to the gym” shock factor, strategically place mirrors throughout the bedroom so you can catch every giggle that’s in the wrong place.

Last, but not least, stop watching The Biggest Loser. There’s nothing empowering about this show unless you are over 3 bills. Watching this show does nothing but give you the false sense that “you look okay”. Sure, relative to them you do, but you probably wouldn’t be caught dead standing in a bikini next to one of those hags from the Real Housewives of Orange County, and that’s a serious problem.

Now if you’ll excuse me, Dominos is at the door with my Philly Cheesesteak pizza and Buffalo wings.