I love boob salad just as much as the next guy, but on this one I’m going to say no. I would not motorboat Tori Spelling.

Why?

The answer is simple. Those cans are so horrendous that she’d only ruin future motorboat experiences for me. I’d probably become motorboat gun shy and this would not only affect myself, but also countless cougars across the United States who have the prospect of receiving a drunken motorboat from me just before closing time. It’s not a game, we’re talking about real lives here. Lives that could be better off by me removing chest glitter with my face.

Damn you and your frankentits Tori Spelling!