Now We Know What’s Wrong With David Ortiz

All along I thought that Big Papi was struggling at the plate because he was finally off steroids. Clearly that’s not the case at all. The man has just been busy developing his own line of hot sauces.

David Ortiz, the amiable if presently downtrodden Red Sox slugger and self-described “grill man,” is a taster. Inspired by a well-documented affection for spicy Dominican food and backyard barbecues, Ortiz’s new line of Louisiana-style hot sauce, Big Papi En Fuego, is for chili connoisseurs (en fuego is Spanish for “on fire”). Now in supermarkets, four preservative-free levels include Original En Fuego, Monster Double En Fuego, Off the Wall Triple En Fuego, and Grand Slam En Fuego, the fieriest.

Without having tasted it, I can tell you that the Grand Slam En Fuego is disgusting. As for Papi, how about we stop pitching the hot sauce spend some more time in the batting cage? I’m just sayin’, because otherwise I think we’re going to have to change the name of one of these hot sauces to .198 to match his batting average.