Don Chavez

If I tried to explain this one to you, I’d probably have to break it down into five or six posts, because that’s how f’d up this story is. I’m sure the script is already being passed around Hollywood, because you couldn’t make this up if you tried. However, I’ll make my best lazy attempt to tell you the story of Thomas Parkin.

Thomas Prusik Parkin, is the man above posing with next to his dead mother Irene Pusik. Thomas has just been indicted of impersonating his mother in order to collect social security and housing benefits. Good for him because social security is a scam anyways, so why not milk the system. The problem is that Thomas sucked at impersonating his dead mother, so they busted him when he went to renew her driver’s license (the inset shows how I imagine she would look right now – there’s no similarity what so ever!).

But that’s just where this sordid tale ends. It actually started when Psycho’s father became the live in boyfriend of Psycho’s aunt (she was the sister of Psycho’s Mom). Psycho’s aunt became his adopted mother. They all lived in the same building, and I’m pretty sure that some people who shouldn’t have, shared DNA with each other. Ooopsies.

So now this whole thing is being sorted out by the law, and if I had to guess this guy will later admit to fucking his dead mother’s dead sister’s corpse with his biological father’s dead dick. You followed that right?

In order to be fair, I’ll point you in the right direction so you can get all the facts straight from a reputable news source that is losing money.

You did what? – NY Daily News
You kept the casket where? – NY Daily News
You’re related to who? – NY Daily News