Don Chavez

Let’s face it, nobody likes having strangers traipse through their personal belongings during an open house. However, things much worse than a dirty old man searching through your wife’s pantie drawer can happen.

On June 15, a man knocked on the door of an Upper Mountain home that is for sale. The owner recognized the man from an open house, so when he asked to take another look at the jacuzzi and pool, the owner let him in and left him in the backyard.

Ten minutes passed. The owner tells police he went to check on the visitor, whom he found in the jacuzzi, naked, and masturbating. The visitor looked at the owner and said “I’ve been fantasizing about you since the first time I saw you.”

The man then jumped out of the jacuzzi into the pool and said “ooh, it’s so cold” and continued masturbating.

Ah yes, the old I’d like to see your pool and jacuzzi again before I make an offer line.

The intruder is a white man in his mid-thirties, 5’7″, 175 pounds. He has brown eyes, brown hair thinning at the front, a hairy chest and a good tan. The owner of the home says he’ll have no problem identifying the suspect.

Dude, you know how I know your gay? You described the guy as having a “good tan”, and that you would have no problem identifying him. Ya no shit, because what really happened was your wife came home when you were getting all gayed up by a member of the Village People. I can’t believe people still fall for stories like this.

Via Baristanet

I’m not a huge Kristen Bell fan, but I like her enough to let her on my website. Actually if you put lipstick on a pig and put a tiara on it’s head, I’d probably let it on my website. I’m not exactly fussy.

So after the break check out more pics of Kristen frolicking on the beach, and making me think she might qualify for nerd sex given those funny spectacles she wears.

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I’m astounded that this road show doesn’t go from stadium to stadium during the NFL season. Talk about a gold mine on wheels, can you imagine how packed this place would be after your favorite football team kicks someone’s ass. Actually, correct me if I’m wrong but the saying goes “win or lose we booze”, and throwing strippers in the mix just livens up the party.

After the break see what would be called “Eroticus Prime” if it were in a porn parody of Transformers.

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This boob salad was already atrocious enough and now you throw in a couple slices of peperoni to go along with it? While I applaud the gusto of this bikini designer (how great would this thing be on Biel?), I think it looks inappropriate on Tori Spelling.

Oh and just a tip for the ladies out there, the lenses on your sunglasses should always be bigger than your nipples.

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I’m posting this as a reminder that Herpes may go on vacation, even an all inclusive paid trip to Dubai, but it still never goes away.