I just witness a real live bum fight. It wasn’t my first, but I’ll be honest I probably haven’t seen one in six years.

At first I wasn’t sure if I had a bum fight on my hands, or if it was two guys just messing around with each other. They were standing near the entrance to my building and they were doing karate. I’m talking some real Billy Ray Valentine karate, so I thought they were kidding. That was until they started throwing punches and pretty much blocked me from getting into my building.

So I stood there wondering if I should get involved or say something. Nah.

As they scuffled around entertaining me, I managed to get to the front door without disrupting this battle of epic proportions. I then stood there sipping my coffee and debated in my head as to who I should root for. One guy had a Patriots jersey on, the other had a Sox jersey on. That’s a draw. One guy was tall and the other was short. Alright, I’ll root for Shorty the underdog.

My mind then went into blogger mode. Why aren’t you fucking recording this? You’re readers are male degenerates who love this stuff! That’s when I realized that I couldn’t record the fight because T-Mobile sold me a piece of shit that died this weekend. So now you have to suffer through all of this text, and if you’re like me you hate reading. But if you’re not like me, then you might still be reading this because I’ll tell you that there’s no way I’d make it through all the text above. Shit, I wrote it and I can’t even be bothered to go back and read it in hopes of catching any spelling errors. I say spelling errors, because fuck grammar.

So where was I? Words, words, words. Ah, so Shorty landed a wallop right on the other dude’s neck. Talk about an awkward place to get hit, that’s like somebody kicking you in the bicep. Then I started to realize that there’s a 30/70 chance one of these guys have a gun, make that 40/60, and I’m a prime candidate to be the winner of July’s “got hit by a stray bullet” contest. Did this phase me? No.

After another twenty seconds of haymakers being thrown a girl pulled up in a piece of shit car, yelling at Shorty to get in the car because he has to go to work.

What?

One of these motherfuckers is employed? As in, he has co-workers? As in, he probably handles your food at a restaurant? As in, I thought the economy was shitty but this guy can hold down a job?

And that was it. He got in the car and left. The other guy tried to stop him but Shorty’s bitch put him in his place. And like Keyser Soze…he’s was gone.