Don Chavez

This is a guest post by Jessica Mitchell, our resident one legged hot chick guest contributor. You can follow Jessica on Twitter here (@jessicamit).

Going tanning seems to be a passion amongst people my age in Oregon. Maybe because a tan looks better than rust – which your skin tends to do whilst living in Oregon. God, Oregonians are going to banish me forever – seriously, I love Oregon just hate the perpetual flow of rain drops pelting me whenever I’m there. Anyway, tan is better than rust. Tan is better than snow white skin too. When I lived there, I also went tanning a lot. When I visited family this past Christmas – somehow, even though I didn’t really need a tan all that badly (duh, I live in southern Cal) I decided to go with my friend and get one anyway.

Don’t ask me why – girls do what they want to do when they want to do it and that’s that! Not everything has to be logical guys. So there are machine spray tans, tanning beds, and a bunch of choices. I’ve never had a hand-done custom spray tan, and neither had my friend, so we go for that one. That kind of tan is basically where a breathing human being comes and actually hand-applies your tan with a little cute spray device. Plus, they’re supposedly more natural looking – in the right hands anyway. I opted for the full-body tan, as did my friend. I had some tan lines, so wanted her to even them out. That of course meant I had to be nude – which is fine with me. It’s just the two of us in a closed room, so no problem. I go over with the girl what I wanted done, etc.

We finish up with that and she instructs me to go over into a little attached room and undress. I had jeans on and of course my prosthesis, so she didn’t really know what she was in for. I’m evil that way. I mean I’m not going to announce to every person I meet that I have one leg – “Hi, I’m Jessica, and I have one leg…”. Nope. So I take my top and bra off, and then move to my jeans. It’s a bitch to get the pant leg over my prosthetic foot, so I usually just pop out of my leg and leave the leg in my jeans for a situation like this.

Done. I’m naked as the day I was born. I open the door and hop over to the tanning area – while I’m doing that, the girl notices me and I thought she was going to have a stroke. I guess she’d never seen a person with one leg before? Should I have warned her? Do I need to call 911 if she stops breathing? All of these thoughts are in my head at this point. Plus the dressing area was what seemed like 10 miles to the tanning area, so as I mentioned in my prior post – having big boobs and one leg isn’t the best combination. So I can only imagine what I site I was – naked one legged girl, boobs bouncing everywhere…. breathe.

Call 911.

Okay, the poor girl is stunned but thankfully still breathing. So then she points to my stump and asks are we going to do…. Not knowing what to call it – I jump in and say yeah, I’d like my stump done too. A lot of amputees hate the word “stump”. Whatever. I’m fine with it – it is what it is you know?

We finish up with the tan. She explains that I can’t shower for like 24 hours, otherwise it will ruin the tan. She also tells me to wear very loose fitting clothes for the rest of the day too and to keep things away from my skin. Ooops. I wear a prosthesis, and that’s all over my skin. She said that would be problem. God. “Houston – we have a problem” is ringing in my mind. I don’t have crutches with me, and I can’t wear my leg.

Fun times.

They have these nice little robes they give you to go home in. I put that on, and ask the girl if she would help me with my things. I can only imagine what the people in the lobby waiting area thought as they saw me hop through the lobby trailed by the tanning girl carrying a prosthetic leg!!!!