Tonight Erin Andrews returns to the sidelines after a grueling Summer vacation. Over the past week or so, we’ve learned that Erin Andrews will on Oprah in what will likely be a five minute softball batting practice session with Oprah pitching.

Oprah: How did you feel?

Erin Andrews: It’s was a nightmare, I feel violated.

Oprah: Do you know who taped you?

Erin Andrews: No I don’t, but if I find the person I will bring charges.

Oprah: How did you find the strength and courage to continue to do your job?

Erin Andrews: I love my job, and I won’t let something like this take away from me something I’ve wanted to do my whole life. Sniff, sniff. Tear.

Oprah: We’ll be back with the Black Eyed Peaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas after the break!

Commercial

The questions you want answered, but won’t hear are:

Why did ESPN, your employer, send a letter to the site that first posted the video, when there was no mention of you or ESPN on the site?

If you want the video to go away, why are you here today doing this interview?

Besides sideline reporting, are you interested in another job? Would you be interested in your own talk show or replacing someone on “The View”?

Oh and have you heard this sound bite from the EA/Oprah summit that has been circulating the net?

“I’m excited to get back to work. I feel like it’s really going to help me heal the wounds,”

That makes sense right. After all, what could be more therapeutic than being on the road twice a week and staying in a hotel after some peeping tom captured you on camera doing your hair in the nude – in a hotel?

While until someone slips up and leaks evidence that this whole thing was orchestrated by Andrews and her handlers, I still stand behind the theory that this was done by a random pervert who just happened to get lucky. However, Team Andrews is applying a full court press to capitalize on this.

I’ve consulted my crystal ball, and it told me the following…

  1. Oprah is merely the bellwether to determine how Erin Andrews is accepted by the housewife demographic.
  2. In October someone will be arrested for the videos.
  3. Charges will pressed against the individual(s) for the video, and a lawsuit will be filed against a major hotel chain.
  4. Andrews will begin doing guest spots on Regis & Kelly and The View
  5. Andrews won’t get her own talk show, but make the switch to covering entertainment and “fucking Britney Spears”. She’ll be groomed to take over for Mary Hart on Entertainment Tonight who is a dinosaur.

Speaking of Mary Hart, I just found out that she’s 58? GTFO. Whatever she’s doing, every chick should follow suit, because she looks damn good for someone who is 58. Oh, and don’t tell me that she doesn’t look like EA in 27 years.

So with all of that being said, I think it will be, I don’t know, twenty four hours before college football fans go back to taking shots of Erin’s ass and emailing them to me?

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