Don Chavez

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I’ll admit it. I kinda miss the old Paris Hilton. The one that was in the tabloids like every single day. Since she’s been in moderate seclusion, she’s made my job harder because there isn’t a Hollywood fuck up that you can really set your watch to.

Granted the Kardashians are there week in and week out, but they’re not crazy. They’re just dumpy and promote whatever shitty product their mother tells them to so that she can take her cut as their manager.

I hope to exploit my kids like that some day. I’m going to take 5-10% of their earnings just for my ability to write shit down on a calendar and remind them of what’s written in the calendar. I know what you’re thinking, who writes in a calendar? Nobody, but “typing shit into a Blackberry” doesn’t sound as poetic.