Don Chavez

Kentucky Derby Fact: The Best Party Is In The Infield

29 Apr, 2008 Sports

For the Kentucky Derby, you have three seating options. You can rape your bank account and sit in an actual seat on the grandstand side of the track, you can cram into the paddock area and watch the races on a big screen, or you can pack a cooler and venture into the infield area.

Should you decide to go with the infield party, I can guarantee you the following:

You’ll get black out drunk

You’ll hook up with something that looks like it should not be this far away from the seashore.

You won’t see one minute of horse racing.

You’ll feel like you’re in the minority because you don’t have a mullet.

You’ll lose all of your money because you’ll be so drunk that you’ll use Hammerin’ Hank Goldberg’s picks.

If you pass out, everyone around you will fuck with you, and your friends won’t do one thing to stop it. They’ll encourage it.

You’ll see someone “dressed” as a Pimp, but in reality they are a Pimp and it will cost you $50 if you want to get your freak on in the port-a-pottie.

You’ll wait in line for three hours without beer or a bathroom for a 15 minute cab ride back to your hotel.