Don Chavez

Things have officially gone from bad to worse in the search for the 55th anniversary Playmate. I’d like to take a few moments to help the girls out who are in pursuit of this coveted title, by providing you with a few pointers.

1) If you think a great rack or ass alone is going to give you the title, you’re dreaming.

2) If you think a great rack AND ass is going to give you the title, you’re not dreaming but it’s wishful thinking.

3) Those with tramp stamps need not apply. This is Playboy Magazine not Beaver Hunt.

4) I recommend that you video tape yourself bouncing on your bed or a trampoline. When doing so, do not keep the camera pointed at your legs. No one is interested in seeing how your ankles jiggle. (See video below).

5) I recommend turning your television off while filming. I don’t appreciate the fact that I can’t hear your laughable description of yourself because you have Telemundo blaring in the background.

6) If your boyfriend told you should pose for Playboy, don’t apply. He’s just trying to get in your pants through flattery. If you’re neighbor told you to pose for Playboy then you have a legitimate shot, and you should close your shades while you are changing.

7) Be more creative than holding up your cat and saying “Look at my pussy!”

8 ) You’re not fooling anyone by sneaking in a few glamour shots at the end of your video. I understand that girls need to put on their faces, do their hair, etc. But you should bring your A game for the entire video.

9) If you must overlay a song to your video, you have two options. Either “Me So Horny” or “Rumpshaker”.

10) G-strings are not optional, they are a requirement.