Don Chavez

Waaaa I was raped. Waaa Daddy didn’t love me. Deborah Lafave is selling crazy and nobody is buying. Her interview with Matt Lauer is full of denial and passing the buck onto other “problems” such as being bipolar, being raped by a boyfriend during school when she was younger, and not having her sister around.

Last Thursday night I made another attempt at Midnight Money Madness. This time I didn’t get suckered into entering via phone, but instead used the free entry system via their webpage.

About 15 seconds after my fourth entry, I finally got the call back. I was put into the “hot room” and was waiting to go live on the air and name one of five Whitney Houston songs for $150. The crazy Whitney Houston impersonator on the screen all but told me that “Hold Me” was one of the songs (I’m not a fan of her music, but I did have a website pulled up listed all of her songs and lyrics).

So there I am on hold, waiting to cash in, and they decide to go to a commercial break. What happens to the “hot room” during this break? They dump it. That’s right; even though I had the call back, I was dumped. I kept entering on their website, and getting their message to try again if I didn’t receive a phone call within 30 seconds. Before I knew it, I was totally shut out. It seems that you are only allowed 10 entries per show.

In the meantime, I’m sure thousands of people were once again suckered into making 99 cent phone calls and text messages during the show. What a great scam. On a positive note, I wouldn’t have found this youtube video if they didn’t have the crazy Whitney question on the other night.

“Kiss my ass!”

Last night, I crawled into bed around 1 A.M. and turned on the television.  At first it appeared that I was watching an infomercial on TBS, but after being suckered in for 5 minutes I realized that it was actually a late night interactive game show.  It’s called Midnight Money Madness and it’s hosted by a cute British chick and a scrawny geek that wants this to be his stepping stone to MTV’s TRL.

The gameshow is very simple to play, and consists of a variety of word games.  Last night one segment asked callers to name the second word in the phrase Hard _____.  There were 5 different winning combinations, ranging in prize money from $50 to $250. 

I’m laying there and I realize how easy this game is.  How the hell do I cash in on it?  There was no ignoring the 900 number flashing on the screen, along with another message to send a text message to enter.  So I decided that I would pony up the 99 cents for the phone call and give them the final answer they were looking for (Hard Ass).  I dialed the number and got a recording saying I had 3 seconds to hang up, after which time I would be charged the 99 cents.  3 seconds later I heard a tone and a recording tell some ridiculous joke that wouldn’t make it onto a candy wrapper.  After the lame ass joke, I was thanked for entering and the recording said good-bye.  That was it! 

Apparently, and they fail to disclose this on the TV screen, your phone call enters you into the contest, and then they randomly call people back and put you into the “Hot Lounge” where you wait your turn to attempt to answer a question for cash.  It was only 1:20 and the show was on for another 80 minutes.  Even though I was tired, I couldn’t go to sleep.  After all, I had 99 cents on the line, and what if I got the callback? 

After a little research today, I found out that you can enter for FREE on their website.  This is one of the greatest 900 number scams I have ever seen.  They make long dramatic pauses during the show to make it seem as if nobody is actually calling in.  They do this to drive up the revenue generated by suckers like me who call in or send a text message.  In reality, they already have the next contestant and a handful of others already lined up.

Well, I learned my lesson.  I’m determined to get my shot at redeeming that 99 cents I lost, and I’ll try it again tonight.  Only this time I’ll play for FREE by registering on their website.  In case you’ve never seen the show, here is a clip of it from youtube…

I’ve been saying this since I attended the filming of Dane Cook’s HBO special Vicious Circle…he’s going to kill his own career.

I had been a fan of Dane Cook when he was just a simple comedian.  I’d see him on Comedy Central or a late night talk show, and he’d draw enough laughs out of me to go to his website and listen to his other bits.

When his HBO show Tourgasm hit the air, it showed me another side of the comedian.  It should me that yes, he could indeed produce a flop. The show was horrible, filled with recycled material and more was more self serving than funny.  The only interesting part of the show was the teenage girlish conflict between Robert Kelly and Jay Davis (along with Jay’s horrendous TLCK killer joke).

After Tourgasm was finished, the public started to speak out.  Cook was ripped by both Salon and the L.A. Times.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure out how Cook built his career.  He built it with Internet marketing.  It had never been done before by a comedian, and Cook made himself available to his fans.  Hands down, I think Bill Burr and Robert Schimmel have better material.  But when was the last time someone said to you, “Robert Schimmel is in my myspace top 8″.  Cook’s marketing plan was ingenius, and could be enough to carry his career for the next decade.  However, every aspiring comic has now seen what he has done, and there is no doubt in my mind that this is the new model for comedians trying to make it big; travel the country doing tour shows and make yourself accessible to your fans on the Internet.

One thing that could bring down Cook’s comedic empire his market oversaturation.  He was almost speechless in Waiting, and the public may choose to suffer through Employee of the Month on October 26th when it hits theaters.  Cook will also be appearing the flicks Mr. Brooks (release set for March 23, 2007), Transformers, and the romantic comedies Good Luck Chuck and Dan in Real Life.

So where will his career go after these movies hit the big screen.  Employee of the Month looks like it should go straight to video, Transformers will hold it’s own with the retro eighties crowd, and if the Chuck and Dan fail him we could be looking at the next Norm MacDonald here folks.  A FOX tv show wouldn’t surprise me, and after that’s canceled I think we’ll find Cook right where he belongs…telling jokes and making people laugh. 

With another Barbaro press release today stating that he is now eating grass, I  realized that Barbaro did not win the Kentucky Derby.  Yum! Brands Inc. did.

On February first, Yum! Brands Inc. announced a five year deal with Churchill Downs, that would name the first jewel of the Triple Crown “the Kentucky Derby presented by Yum! Brands.”  I’m sure Yum! Brands, thought they would get their money’s worth on this deal, with the Triple Crown alone.  A Triple Crown winner would have given their sponsorship more mileage, as Barbaro may have continued on to run in the Travers.  Instead, the next best thing happened (people I’m talking about from a sponsorship and money point of view), Barbaro was injured and saved by New Bolton Center.

Each press release containing Barbaro’s name has an almost mandatory declaration that he was the winner of “the Kentucky Derby presented by Yum! Brands.”  They might as well change it to “a Barbaro update sponsored by Yum! Brands.”  If there is anyone out there pulling for the big guy to have another twelve months in recovery, it’s the Colonel.

Venturing out to Suffolk Downs on Preakness Day, I noticed that I was a minority that day.  I’m 27 years old, and I could count on both hands the number of people at the track that were close to my age.  The vast majority of the crowd was older than me, and I began to wonder what will happen to the sport of horse racing once these people start cashing in their tickets to the Triple Crown in the sky?  I also started to realize why a day at the track can be unappealing to the younger crowd, and it’s probably more about the people there than the actual sport itself.  Perhaps there will be a tremendous shift towards online wagering in the future.

So let’s take a look at the categories of people I saw that day:

“The Bum”

Plain and simple this guy is at the track to pick up tickets off the ground, hoping to find a discarded winner.  In between picking up tickets, he’ll shout out a random “You gotta dolla?” to the nearest person.

“The know-it-all”

This guy feels the need for uninvited conversation.  He asks “who do you like?” so that he can rip apart your opinion.  He then goes on to tell you about his cushy toll collecting job, and how he knows what he’s talking about because he used to own a $4,000 claimer.  He is a master of the mutuels, and that explains why he still works in a toll booth.

“The I’m taking Billy to the playground guy”

This guy is banned from the track by his wife, she hates his gambling habit.  So as a cover, he takes his son with him, and tells the old lady that they are going to the playground.  Little Billy gets pissed off because the trip to the playground is really a trip to the track. 

“The underage drinker”

This kid doesn’t care about horse racing.  He goes to the track because he found someone who considers a forged note from his Mom, saying he’s 21, a valid ID.  He has the potential to become “The know-it-all” later in life.